In this blog I will tell you something about my fear of fireworks, since the worst time of the year for me personally will be here soon: New Years Eve. While I do think it’s a nice holiday there is something that ruins the fun for me: fireworks. Especially the illegal fireworks around here, but also the legal fireworks that make a loud bang. I will tell you about how this started and how it feels for me.
Ever since I was little, I disliked loud noises. Balloons popping for instance. I had this phase in my life that I was terrified of balloons even, and asked my high school if they could organize prom without balloons as decoration, because I was so afraid they would fall down and people would make them pop. Nowadays I always joke about how I am accepting about balloons now, but still don’t really enjoy having them around. It’s the popping noise that is so hard to ignore. I don’t really know why it bothers me so much.
Start of my fear
What I do know is that the balloon fear got slightly worse when I had to participate in an experiment at elementary school. I had to hold up a balloon and another person had to hold a lighter underneath it. I remember, being 11, thinking this mixture of ‘wow this is so cool’ and being terrified because of the sound. I think it might have been the pop after pop that just made me feel very tired of processing all these sounds, but I still to this day don’t really know.
Well, that’s the balloons story, but I wanted to talk about fireworks! I do like them, the really colorful big lights you can see at night. If only it made no sound I would absolutely love it. But as far back as I can remember I didn’t like the last day of the year. Our neighbors where we used to live had illegal fireworks. They were very loud and my parents were as annoyed as I was scared. They make such a loud noise in a small neighborhood. I think that might have been when my fear really started to get worse. I remember telling my parents one day that they could just let me sleep through it all so I would miss the big fireworks and the countdown, I wouldn’t mind.
Adrenalin
It’s like, this feeling I get when I startle from a loud noise, it’s terrible. I get this intense fight-or-flight response. I start hyperventilating sometimes if it’s very bad. I’m unable to relax, adrenalin is flowing through my veins. I feel like I have to run away and hide. And that’s what happens over and over and over. When I was younger I would really hide but as I am growing older I just go quiet or start crying.
Now, in the Netherlands it’s tradition that every family lights fireworks for themselves. There is fireworks around every corner of the street and the skies light up with beautiful colors. This year, because of covid, the government has told people not to light fireworks and you will even get a fine if you will do so. As you can imagine this was very pleasing for me to hear. But also scares me that people might protest and only light the illegal stuff. But we will see what this year brings.
Exposure therapy
I have been seeking help for this and my therapist said I should do exposure therapy. Surround myself with the noise and try to stay calm and breathe. So off I went one year, buying fireworks to light them myself. I can’t really say that this helped a lot, because I am afraid of lighting the fireworks. Or so I learned. Because of my bad vision I can’t see if I lit the fireworks properly. I let my boyfriend at the time light them for me and stood at a safe distance.
Since I met my husband I have been really trying to like fireworks a little more. He loves it, he loves the loud ones even more… When I met him, I would get nauseous for literal weeks before the holiday even began. It’s this combination of enormous fear but also a bit of shame because I don’t know anyone else who is this bothered by fireworks, except dogs and other pets. I would just feel terrible thinking about it and feeling sick. But I am really trying, for my husband, to enjoy New Years Eve. He likes to light fireworks and I always ask him if he is going to buy fireworks. Because I don’t want him to give that up for me, if he likes it that much! I try to cope with it by going outside, with earplugs in, and standing behind him. Over the past few years (I know him for four years now) every year has been slightly better. Last year I can even say I enjoyed going outside picking out fireworks for him to light! So it does help, but at the end of the night I am so exhausted with dealing with all of it I will always have a good cry right before midnight.
This fear of mine is still something I struggle with to this day. My neurologist has given me oxazepam to keep calm and I use it on New Years Eve. It does really help me, because I can’t really seem to control the fear entirely by myself. I wonder how your children experience noises, are they scared of them? Let me know. Sorry for this long post but I want to let you all know my experiences and feeling.
Take care and let’s hope for a better 2021!
X Alissa