People who have less energy on a regular basis know this feeling: missing out on parties and other social events. How do you deal with this? Also, how do you explain to other people that you might have to leave early or maybe not being able to come at all? I will discuss it in this blog.
Let me start by saying that I am a very social person and I like gatherings. I am easily getting along with people, chatting with them. But I also noticed that I would go quiet very quickly on birthdays or other parties, just because there was too much going on. For example, I can chat for hours in a one-on-one conversation, but put me in a group of people and I will not say that much at all.
Fun story, a gathering (a meetup) is actually how I met my husband. We met, shook hands, I sat quietly in a corner all afternoon, and left. Not a very good first impression to make. However I told him about my struggles and we met up one-on-one a month or so after that first awkward encounter, and now we are almost celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary! This first encounter was almost 8 years ago.
Growing up I had struggles finding friends. My classmates didn’t really like me, and I tended to befriend children a year younger than me instead of my classmates. In high school, I had a group of friends who I really liked hanging out with. There were 3 girls in this group and I stayed close with one of them after moving to another school. I went to a special school for children with autism at age 15 and I really liked the people there. However, I didn’t have that much contact with them after classes. At the age of 16 I got very tired all the time and didn’t really go to parties at their place, or birthday parties. I isolated myself a lot, stayed home after school and in the weekends. It was just too much for me to handle.
When I went to study, it was at a special educational program where having autism was the norm instead of you being different. There was a mutual understanding between everyone if you were tired or were struggling. I still have a few close friends from this time in my life, even though we all got our diploma 5 years ago. It is nicer now that I surround myself with people who know what I am going through with me being tired to much, because they themselves are tired a lot.
Now that I am out of school and studies I feel like I can regulate my days and my energy. I can spend my time how I want to, and this makes some room for parties, family gatherings, and so on. However I can never stay too long at parties, and never hang out with friends for more than a few hours. Sometimes I just stay the night at their place, if there is a party with friends, so I can stay a little longer. But it is difficult to manage all the time, and sometimes I just have to cancel. Big family events are very difficult for me, so I have to cancel those most of the time too.
My wedding was during COVID (april 2020) so I didn’t have to deal with big crowds. Our party to celebrate the wedding with family and friends was in 2022. We invited almost 80 people and the event took place from 7 until 9 PM. After that I was so tired, I couldn’t really function for a week after. So it does cost me a lot to be as social as I want to be. However, some events are totally worth it!
I can give a few tips and tricks if you are going to a party.
- Discuss your fatigue with someone. Make sure a friend or family member knows beforehand that you might have to go home earlier, so they can back you up if people don’t get it, or help you out
- Know your boundaries; if your body lets you know you’ve had enough, finish your drink or your conversation and go home
- Maybe arrange with someone that they can pick you up or bring you home. This helps when you are tired – no worries about travelling
- Experience with social gatherings is helpful in knowing what you can handle and what is difficult, so keep track of what went well and what didn’t work for you
- If there is a big event, schedule enough resting time for yourself the next day to recharge your (social) battery
I hope that I can help people out with this blog. These tips above helped me out a lot. I know what I can and can’t do, most of the time. If you have any additional tips you can add them below!